Darling,

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(A love poem?)


I could say so much about how amazing,
Fantastic, fascinating,
You have been, is and will be, 
(I love you for you can't you see?)

But it seems no mountain of words,
Will ever encompass, 
What I truly want to say,
What you are, and what you are to me.

Regardless of the fact of my inability,
To say what I mean,
I still persevere to say a few things,
About you and your beauty.

I could talk about you,
I could talk about us,
I could talk about our chemistry,
Our world, our moments, our dreams.

I could use so many cosmic words,
Because what I feel can't be confined,
As easily with borders and lines,
It spills and bleeds over.

It's so solid, the strength of our bond,
And yet the idea, the feeling,
Is a gigantic mass of vague,
A giant cauldron of trust and mirage.

But for now, encapsulated in time,
Is you and me and the idea of us,
No matter what happens, 
This happened and this was love.

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The Characters

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Everytime I open my laptop I feel like opening a blank page and start writing. But when I open a blank page, I want to start writing but I don't really know what to write. Then moments ensue, I am still staring at the screen with no inspiration. I might wander... (What's new on Facebook?) But then, time is running out and I've got to do assignments. I've got to get moving and spit something out. I wasn't going to stop empty handed. I don't really feel too sure but I start typing anyway. And then some random crap comes out and formulates. From an empty piece of nothing, something goes forth and explodes and suddenly, there is colour on the canvas of my mind and it fills up with pictures and sounds and images until a certain point of time, fatigue seeps into my mind and I slow down. My eyes start aching and I think like soft jelly. Then, I need a nap.

What a weak will, a crumbling constitution you have, remarked a character in my nap. I swatted the thought away like a fly buzzing in the sky. But just like a bug, it persists to be annoying. "You, who have insisted for our appearence, suddenly have the balls to call us off?" a minor character whines. I frown in my sleep. I think it away, but it comes back again, louder than ever. It boomed, "You wake up, and write our story now! The characters are all ready, lined up in a row. The plot, the story, is about to unravel." They dragged me up by the arms and drop me haphazardly onto a chair. There was a stage, in the middle of no where. They curtains swayed and slid away. And thus a play started.

It was dark and dramatic and full of wonder. I am breathless as I saw the scenes change. I was flowers come out of fires. I saw a death, a gamble, a race. I saw characters that touch my heart and people that I would remember forever. I remember laughing and crying and enjoying myself, that I never wanted to stop. Oh, it was a great story, such a great story, like I've never heard before. Oh gosh it would be so wonderful if I could take it and keep it and show it to the world. Like a bright spark in the barren land of imagination, the whole world be set aflame because of it. And I saw myself leading the way, revelling in the fantasy, the story, the enchantment. The show has ended thus I eagerly walked away to write it. And to write all about it.

Then in my slumber I turned over, and snuggled into my pillow. And in a moment I'd have forgotten, and thus it's a dreamless, life giving sleep. And on the edges I hear them chatter angrily, complaining. "How useless it was to perform to him. Look at him, he doesn't even remember the story let alone write it. It looks like we have to find some other writer again."

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"Your scars are beautiful."

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"Why?" 

"Because they are on you. Because they're part of your past. Because they represent your pain. Because they are a memory. Because it is who you are. These scars are symbols of your strength. Of how bright and true a person you are. You are beautiful, thus your scars are too." 

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Nasty!

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Sugar makes me high but it won't last forever
Neither does alcohol, I don't want hangovers
But some days make you happy, your head just can't stop spinning
On other days, you're brought down to a low.

You're tempted to steal a bit of sunshine away
You want to just scream in the rain
Other people look happy, So weirdly happy
And you are stuck in a slump.

You hear the echo, "Tommorow, tomorrow, tommorow,"
Other joys on other days, Be optimistic,
Then the television says, "It's going to rain tommorow,"
We would all still get wet.

There is no allowance, No hiding, No running,
No staying in your bed eating ice-cream,
You live, you breath, you have a function,
You stay in the whole miserable mechanism.

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The cycle of Idea's

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My very words flow out awkwardly, like a stumbling baby on its first
few steps. No matter how many years it may be, when I read again what
I wrote, it sounds wrong. It sounds clumsy. And when I read it again,
at a different place with a different air, suddenly it means
something. And it's old and it's new. It reinspires, it regrew. At
best, I have to beat the rotational cycle of learn and forget. I have
to learn, and grow it. I have to feed my idea's and transform it. or
else it'd die a slow death, in stagnation, then decay. And when I find
it again, the useless cycle continues.

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Secrets

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Tell me a secret that nobody knows,
A secret so secret it's embedded in your soul,
A secret you dream in your deepest slumber,
A secret that changes the very fabric of life,
A secret so powerful, like a jewel, like a crown,
A secret that binds your destiny to mine,
Because I want to own you in a way nobody can.
Give me your trust, your eternal devotion,
Give me your focus, your precious time,
And I in turn will give you mine.
You wonder; Why me? Why you? Why us together?
My answer to you is intangible,
The pure obsession, the reckless wonder,
I'm binded, you're bonded, it seems inevitable,
No matter where you and I may be,
I feel the connection, like invisible strings,
I feel your heart beat even when you're afar
I never feel alone, alone in the dark,
I feel happy for no apparent reason,
I feel alive.

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Feeling something like...

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I'm in love with this moment
This time this place
I love the feelings coursing through me
When I think of this space
I'm in love with the people
That fill up my day
With their presence and laughter
Their care and their embrace
I'm in love with where I am and what I can do
I feel like a sparkle that could turn to a star
I feel like I'm flying at speeds unknown
I feel like a flower stretching out for the sun
I feel like a smile straight from the heart
I feel like I'm drunk on plain water
I feel like I'm in love
:)

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Tick-Tock

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Day by day, I am surrounded by masses of people,
They fill my space, with noise and with body,
They do things around me, 
Causing chain reaction, movement, reality,
And yet they do not touch my heart.


Hour by hour, the scene changes and moves,
What was there will never be again,
What was a moment is lost forever, 
And yet, I am in the same place I was yesterday, 
today and tommorrow.


Minute by minute,
Opportunities come and go,
I can be fantastic. I can be wonderful.
I can be evil. I can be illegal. 
And yet I stand before the red button, it's lightly pressed,
No reaction. 


Second by second,
Precious sand flows through the hourglass,
It's running out, and it's whirling down faster, faster,
I am still
blind, deaf, mute to the world.
I am oblivious, catatonic.
I am asleep. 


Notes:
Crap poetry: Stuff that doesn't rhyme, and at times, doesn't make any Sense either. Purely the author's creation because creating is what she wants to do.
Thanks to all the people that inspired me to write it again. And my red book. ;)


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The Wonderful Day: 6th January 2009.

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It started at midnight. I was ready to sleep, ready to release me from my reigns to the conscious world, when I got a message from CK. "The application of ICX Manager is going to be closed in 12 hours. Do appreciate this opportunity as others need to wait for a year to be in the management team whereas you can do it NOW. Believe me it'd be an intensive, fulfilling and fun learning experience. So why hesitate? Just apply-lah..." I was wholly set on saying no. I had other things on my mind. My mountain of study, my other activities. But this message triggered something in me. I was reconsidering. I was torn. I turned to look through the list of people that were online. There was Tommy. So I talked to him. We were going through the same dilemma. We needed seniors! So I checked my list again. Melvin was online too. So I talked to him. Then I found out, Kit was online too. Now Kit really cares about us and is really willing to listen, so we ended up bombing him too. And by 2am or 3am I was ready. I wrote in my application and sent it in. It was an amazing morning. I felt so lucky that I had so many people to talk to. And they were willing to just listen to me and help me along. And they cared about me enough to talk till so late and share what they think. I fell asleep feeling happy. I took a step and the road is going to bring me far. 

I love being in AIESEC. I've been bonded to the people, their warmth and passion. I was committed to something worthwhile. It's a positive place to grow and try my hand at doing something. It's a place where I find out more about myself and try to become a better, greater person. It's my support group where everyone pulls each other up. It's where I can go crazy and have fun. And so I feel so lucky to be a part of it. I'm so glad I have it. And that I stayed.

I woke up to eat my favorite college breakfast of the week, kaya toast! Yes, I revel in the simplest things. But it was a great start. I usually eat with my roommates, Effie and Stefanie and it's always fun. I have great roommates and it didn't matter that they weren't Muslims at all. I've had so much fun with them just being in the same room. And that's all I need. I always liked having friends as roommates and I don't regret it. It made the whole argument that separated the Muslims and non-Muslims (saying that they'd be arguments, etc.) redundant. And I'm happy I break the stereotype. 

I had lunch with Kee Aun. I was surprised seeing that I was the only one invited and even more surprised when he offered to belanja. I didn't mind of course. He was offering me to be under his official team for his campaign. I was sort of shocked. I thought there'd be better people or friends that he'd know but he offered it to me. I didn't hesitate too much actually and I said yes. We started planning stuff right away! 

Only for a moment I thought, gosh, what was I putting myself through? But I'm going to eat up the whole cake. I swear I would. 

It was so amazing that other people could see potential in me that I never saw in myself. Things which I thought wasn't in me were things that they saw me becoming and flourishing at. Even now I wonder of how it could be? It couldn't be true. But if it is, I want to see it for myself. I want to know if I could truly be that great. I feel great and I feel like I'm expanding into something bigger and brighter. I wasn't just ugly little caterpillar but I was a butterfly too. And I feel so happy, so grateful that I could be here and be this way. I feel like I've almost fully accepted being where I am. I was meeting great people and great things are happening to me even though I'm not in UK or US or France or NZ or Australia or Japan. I leave just a little bit of dissatisfaction. Just enough to be hungry for more.  

Then there was the departmental meeting, which I believed was going to be a bore. Boy, oh boy, wasn't I proved wrong. Then my favorite lecturer, Dr Faisal Rafiq that became the dean, stepped up and told us what he did. I literally had stars in my eyes. I was amazed by all the changes that were going on. I was cheering inside at all the opportunities that he was presenting us. I was truly a nerd at heart and I was so inspired. It seems that there was a reason why I chose Computer Engineering after all, I liked the possibilities, and he was going to make things happen, giving us opportunities to go out there and grow and be fantastic. I want to study now. My subjects are way cooler than I ever had at any semester and I had a reason to TOUCH the computers in the CE labs. I was in ecstasy. I was finally interested in studying!

Then I had heart to heart talks with Lavania and Firdy. We shared what we've been going through recently and we reinforced our support to each other. Because friends are there for you no matter what. And I love when it's proved to me again and again. We wanted to make plans. We want to do something together. We wanted to... camwhore! Project RB9! 10 themes at different places! We were so excited thinking about the clothes and the colours. We are going to have fun together! 

I feel like I have so much this semester, and it's going to be magical. I'm grateful to be given these opportunities. I am going to enjoy every single bit of it and it's like finally, this is what my life should be about. And I'm grabbing on to it with everything I got. And I am, surely, going to fly. 

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